My Twin Self & My Shadow

On a gorgeous, sun- kissed spring day in Ojai, California, I sat covered and cool on a hand-crafted wooden chair in a quaint cottage, closed my eyes and listened to a wise and deeply beautiful shamanic woman named Suzan, as she brought me into the meeting with my Twin Self. As I listened to Suzan's resonant smokey voice, I imagined what it would be like to meet the woman I have always wanted to become, in her terms, my Twin Self. With my eyes closed, I pictured a woman who was my ideal version of me in a parallel universe. I saw who I could be in the greatest luminous light. My Twin was stunning, she knew what she wanted without apology, she was confident in her encounters and she used her voice in a way that healed her self and others. She was financially independent, yet knew that her connection to community was paramount. She surrounded her self by like-minded, loving people who filled her life with laughter and lessons. There was a sense of ease in her interactions. She was graceful and kind and compassionate to other beings and herself.  She knew what she wanted artistically and because of that, her creations were a direct communication with the divine. She was healthy and powerful in her flesh and she radiated with God's love. She was like a Cheetah, sensual, strong and direct while sensitive to her surroundings. She was, to me, a solid representation of the woman I have always wanted to become.

My Twin Self remains someone that I connect with inside of my self. But, since then, I have also learned of my Shadow Self, who is perhaps just as deserving of my love and attention as my Twin.

On a recent summer day, surrounded by the pink hued mountains of Ojai, while a cool breeze gently tickled my un-covered legs, I sat in a room with the man I love and Suzan, once again. This day, I learned of my Shadow. Not only was I a woman with a desired path of becoming my Twin, but an equal and opposite dark force, my Shadow, would often times skew and tarnish the relationship I had to my higher self. My Shadow is the part of me that comes out especially in times where my soul desires loving change. She comes out in times when I feel threatened or weak. She is plagued by guilt and shame and apologizes profusely for just existing. She looms over me and she often shows up in my closest relationships. I have so long denied her existence, but I can no longer do that.

The only way to step into the life of my Twin is to embrace my Shadow. I long to become familiar with this part of me that encapsulates fear. She is only as powerful as my resistance to her presence. I can learn to hear her cries for love, and be patient with her. I want to take walks with her, seeing her innocence and  giving space to her fears. She is a grand part of me. I want so badly to be the light that is my Twin. From what I am learning, I can see that through acceptance and deep love for my Shadow Self, I can gracefully step into the path that my heart so longingly wishes to take.